David Bussell - Comedy Proffesional

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Thursday, 27 September 2012

Devil Doll

It all began when I impulse bought that vintage ventriloquist's dummy.

It was one of those 'throw your hat over the fence' decisions; act first / work out why you did it later. Thinking about it in hindsight I reckon I might be onto something too. The lost art of mime did great business at the Fringe this year so it figures something old school like ventriloquism will hit big in 2013, and when it does I'll be right there marching on the front line. I might not be a comedy big shot at the moment but before August rolled around no one was holding up Marcel Marceau as the model of cool.

Including postage and packing I paid just over a tenner for the dummy - a real steal given that the starting price of other puppets of its kind was around the £40 mark. This seller seemed really motivated though for some reason - didn't even open for bids, just had it listed with a 'buy now' price. I put it down to the fact the item was missing its trousers. They'd been eaten away by moths the seller said (tell it to the judge, granddad!).

I had the dummy delivered to my office address. Here it is sat on my desk...


My co-worker Kelly made faces. Said he looked "freaky" and that she was"creeped out" by him. I don't care what she thinks, so long as we're on the subject I don't much like those photos of her fugly kids. Anyway, how could anyone not love this little guy?


I took him home and found a place for him. Here he is sat on our bookshelf...


Weirdest thing though, when I got up the next morning I found the puppet in the corner of the room sat on our antique milking stool...


I asked my wife about it but she swore up and down she hadn't touched the thing. I was sure she must be messing with me but the next night she stayed over at a friends place and I woke up to this...


I dunno, I'd had a bit to drink that night and I guess I thought it would be funny to play a trick on myself. What other explanation could there be? That's what I told the wife anyway.

Things didn't end there though...


I got up to go for a pee in the night and found this on the floor. I must still have been dreaming because for a moment I swear I thought I saw it moving! This has to be my wife having a laugh at my expense. Has to be. Still, I wasn't taking any chances so I squashed the dummy back in its box and taped it up good.

It didn't last...


By this point I was getting pissed off. I told my wife I wasn't enjoying being the butt of her joke but she still wouldn't fess up. We got into a big row over it and she packed a bag to go stay with her mum.

I'd had enough. I decided it was time to get rid of the dummy for good. I went to throw it out and that's when I noticed something inside the box...


 A closer examination revealed this...


*I blurred out some of the spicier language there.

Joke or not that dummy was out of this house! I found him right away, back in the corner, sat on that stool, facing the wall like he was a real boy who'd done wrong...


What the hell?! I was freaking out!  Not as much as I was when I saw what was lying on the floor beside him though...


I bundled him into a rubbish bag and tossed him outside right away. I even waited to see the bin men drive off off with him so I could be sure he was gone for good.

My wife eventually came home and we made up. I thought that was the end of the story then just last night we were looking through some old photos when we started noticing some things we hadn't spotted before...


Our holiday to Cuba. But there in the middle, is that...?


A still from my last sketch show, Overactive Solutions. In the background, lurking behind that stack of boxes, could that be...?


And again at one of my old stand up shows, leering around from that pillar...


Most disturbingly of all, there he was again, stalking us in one of our wedding photos!


And so ends the story. For now. My advice to you; be careful next time you're on eBay, you might just wind up getting more that you bargained for. Don't make any rash decisions. Mess with the wrong powers and that item you're watching... could end up watching you...


2 comments:

  1. This is the freakiest blog I've ever read. It was so scary I was laughing. Esp. about the horrible pictures of your co-worker's kids! Yikes!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I fear you haven't heard the last of this little guy and revenge will be sweet... Mwaaaaahahahaaa!

    ReplyDelete